.heatheranne. (babiexoxogrl) wrote,
.heatheranne.
babiexoxogrl

wow....

So I just read over my last journal posting that I wrote almost exactly one year ago, January 2011. Reflecting back on this past year, it was incredible. The highlight of my year would have been spending five weeks traveling around some of the most beautiful places in Italy and Spain. What a life changing experience that I will never forget! I was a little apprehensive about the whole thing at first, but it was an incredible experience that I will never forget.

As for my list of things that I wanted to accomplish during this year, none of them seem to be coming true. I have to be honest here, I am starting to get really frustrated with the way things are going on in my life right now. I am at an age where I want to move on with my life. i need some kind of change. It might not necessarily mean marriage at this point, but at least moving out of my parents house. I have been looking into different places, but I am terrified that I won't be able to afford it on my own, or that I would be struggling to make ends meet. I love my parents with all my heart, and I know that if and when I actually do leave, I will miss them a lot. However, I have never been on my own ever before in my entire life. I have no idea what it is like to actually do things for myself. It's pathetic. I feel like a complete and total loser for being one of the last people to be living with their parents at my age. This needs to change. I've been thinking this for years now, but nothing has ever been done about it.

And well that probably because of my relationship with Jonathan as well. Since this summer, he has returned to school and has put 100% of his focus on his studies. I am completely supportive of it. I believe that he needs this opportunity to better himself and advance his career. I know that he is loving being back in school and actually doing something to get ahead. However, it is putting a strain on our relationship. I swore I wouldn't let this happen because I too was once dating someone while I was in grad school and we broke up because of it. I wanted to be supportive and understand where he is coming from. But I know that at least for the next year and a half while he is in school, there will be nothing happening between us in order to take our relationship to the next step. To be honest, he is not ready for it and neither am I at this point. He is trying to get his life together. We can't get our future together if he is not settled and not working. I just feel stuck. I would love to buy a co-op or a condo for myself, but I think he would feel like I would be leaving him out. But I am getting tired of waiting. Not even so much concerning the issue of marriage, I am just tired of waiting to move out and get on with my life.

I know that there are so many other people in this world with huge, significant problems, and that I should be thankful for all that I have. I am just in dire need of a change. I have been waiting for a change for the past year....

...all I can do is hope for the best.
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