Log in

.heatheranne.'s Journal [entries|friends|calendar]

[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

Another season comes and goes..... [01 Sep 2013|12:03am]
It's funny how the end of a season makes you think and reflect on life. Summer 2013 is coming to an end, and although it was a nice summer, it went far too quickly for my own liking. Just want to briefly talk about some of the things going on as of recently and take a minute to think about where I am at this point in my life.

In reference to my previous post, I am no longer dating that guy Matt that I had spoken about. Yes, he was great and had so many wonderful qualities, things that I would have been proud to have in for a partner. Unfortunately, he did not see the same in me. It was really the first time that I had ever been "dumped" by someone. Definitely kind of hurt and was a blow to the ego, but alas, I dusted myself off and tried again....

Enter James.....back in March, my friend Peter told me that he knew of a great guy who I would be interested in getting to know. To make a long story short, he ended up setting me up with his co-worker, James, who turns out to be a really great guy. James and I have sort of been "seeing" each other for the past 5 months. The progression of our relationship has been a little on the slow end for me. I am used to things moving much quicker, but due to unfortunate circumstances with stuff going on in his family, and work schedules, we haven't really been able to see each other as often as I would like. Just the other day, we spoke about making our relationship official, which is exactly what I wanted from the start with him. The only problem is that now I am seeing that perhaps he is not as attentive as I would want him to be with me. For some reason, I have been craving this attention lately. James is not as much of an outgoing guy, which is fine, but I just want things to continue to progress with our relationship. I don't want him to get bored of me and I don't want to get bored of him. I guess I am just scared that he's going to realize that he has so many other different things going on in his life at the moment and that I am not much of a priority. I am just always cautious and worried that things are not going to work out in the long run. I know I need to have some more faith in myself and in my relationships with people, but I always have this fear in the back of my mind.

Maybe that's because I have also met someone else who seems too good to be true. I met this guy Bryan from an online dating website who seems to be my ideal perfect guy. I don't want to get too ahead of myself because we just started speaking to each other recently, but I am very curious to see where things could go with him. I guess he is the reason why I have been questioning my feelings for James recently. Don't get me wrong, I do really like James and enjoy being around him, but there is something about Bryan that is just so intriguing that I can't help but want to know more. He makes me feel special, and I haven't felt that way in a long time (I know I am going to look back at this post in a few months and just totally regret saying that, but for now, this is how I feel...)

I guess I am just sad that the fact that I see almost all of my friends moving on with their lives and I am still stuck hanging out with my parents on saturday nights. Stefanie and Bob are expecting their first child in December, Jacquie and Mark are expecting their first child in November, and just today, Leonora got engaged to her boyfriend Steve. Three of my best friends moving on with their lives, who all have the things that I also want eventually in life. I am happy for them but can't help but feel a little jealous all at the same time. I hope that one day I too can look down at my left hand and see a shiny ring on my finger, knowing that it came from a man that loves me in return. I hope that one day I can have a little one to call me "mom". I think I would be a great mom someday....

Well, enough rambling about my pathetic existence for now. Back to school for me next week. Starting my 6th year as a teacher and even though I love my job, I am not looking forward to going back into the chaos that is PS 24. All good things must come to an end I guess....

Bye August, Bye summer. Catch you next year <3
post comment

I need to vent [07 Apr 2012|10:54pm]
It is the eve of my 28th birthday, and I have never been more frustrated and confused with things before in my life. I feel as if everything is falling apart and I don't even know where to begin. I need to think things out and vent so I can get my head on straight once again....

Reading over my last entry from December, I mentioned that there was a strain on my relationship with my boyfriend. It seems as if things have just gotten worse. I have seen many red flags in our relationship that I haven't been happy about, but in the past, I have just ignored them. That probably was not the smartest thing to do. I just thought that things would get better on their own. This past week, it all exploded in my face. It all started at my great Aunt Ronnie's funeral this past weekend (RIP Aunt Ronnie, I will always remember your Irish dancing). The one thing that bothered me the most was that he was sitting on his phone and texting the entire time. He wasn't even putting in much of an effort to talk to people, just texting. I wanted to take his phone and throw it out the window. It made me so angry. When I asked him to put it away, he got all snippy with me, as if I did something wrong. Later on, my mother asked me what his deal was. He was even very sarcastic and rude to her later on. I didn't appreciate that at all. I know that I would never act like that with his family. He thought he was just being funny the whole time, but it wasn't the least bit. So that whole ordeal got me upset.

It wasn't just that one incident. Things have been building over time that I have not like. At times, he can be very immature. It makes me worry about a future together. It makes me wonder if he is the right one for me. I hate to question these things, but i would rather question it now than later on down the road in life.

This past month, I was also diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis, a condition that could break down my joints. I am devestated over this news. 28 years old and I have arthritis. My hands are even hurting as I am typing this. I feel like I am falling apart

My whole life is falling apart. And now I have to decide whether or not I am going to continue my relationship, while everyone else around me is getting married and starting their lives.

I've never felt so alone before...
post comment

wow.... [10 Dec 2011|12:07am]
So I just read over my last journal posting that I wrote almost exactly one year ago, January 2011. Reflecting back on this past year, it was incredible. The highlight of my year would have been spending five weeks traveling around some of the most beautiful places in Italy and Spain. What a life changing experience that I will never forget! I was a little apprehensive about the whole thing at first, but it was an incredible experience that I will never forget.

As for my list of things that I wanted to accomplish during this year, none of them seem to be coming true. I have to be honest here, I am starting to get really frustrated with the way things are going on in my life right now. I am at an age where I want to move on with my life. i need some kind of change. It might not necessarily mean marriage at this point, but at least moving out of my parents house. I have been looking into different places, but I am terrified that I won't be able to afford it on my own, or that I would be struggling to make ends meet. I love my parents with all my heart, and I know that if and when I actually do leave, I will miss them a lot. However, I have never been on my own ever before in my entire life. I have no idea what it is like to actually do things for myself. It's pathetic. I feel like a complete and total loser for being one of the last people to be living with their parents at my age. This needs to change. I've been thinking this for years now, but nothing has ever been done about it.

And well that probably because of my relationship with Jonathan as well. Since this summer, he has returned to school and has put 100% of his focus on his studies. I am completely supportive of it. I believe that he needs this opportunity to better himself and advance his career. I know that he is loving being back in school and actually doing something to get ahead. However, it is putting a strain on our relationship. I swore I wouldn't let this happen because I too was once dating someone while I was in grad school and we broke up because of it. I wanted to be supportive and understand where he is coming from. But I know that at least for the next year and a half while he is in school, there will be nothing happening between us in order to take our relationship to the next step. To be honest, he is not ready for it and neither am I at this point. He is trying to get his life together. We can't get our future together if he is not settled and not working. I just feel stuck. I would love to buy a co-op or a condo for myself, but I think he would feel like I would be leaving him out. But I am getting tired of waiting. Not even so much concerning the issue of marriage, I am just tired of waiting to move out and get on with my life.

I know that there are so many other people in this world with huge, significant problems, and that I should be thankful for all that I have. I am just in dire need of a change. I have been waiting for a change for the past year....

...all I can do is hope for the best.
post comment

wow its been a while [25 Feb 2006|07:48pm]
ok so ive been neglecting this thing for a bit. maybe cause i have no motivation to write really. or maybe its the genuine lack of time thats keeping me away from my journal. ok so here goes nothing...

student teaching is going really well. i love the kids and my cooperating teacher. but it is physically and emotionally exhausting. i come home every night ready to crash. u dont really realize how much time and effort goes into one day of teaching. we had february break this week which was nice. but it wasnt much of a break for me because i have to get my teaching porfolio together. this porfolio is my entire last four years of work put into one binder. its a pain in the ass but its gotta get done. so i spent the majority of the week working on that. i was also observed for the first time by my advisor a week ago and she said that she was throughly impressed by the way the lesson went (yesssss!). shes coming back again this friday with the principal to observe me. hey no pressure lol. its just my entire future thats riding on next weeks lesson lol

peter~ hes been so good to me lately. i really think hes spoiling me rotten. we've only been together for a month, but this kid already made me cookies, made a surprise trip to my job with a dozen roses in hand, bought me a guess watch annnnd my favorite victorias secret perfume etc. im tryin to tell him that he doesnt have to buy me all of this fancy shyt to make me happy. hes a really good guy and all but im still trying to see if theres a deeper connection. hes a lot different from matt personality wise. hes much more quiet and to himself, which is just him. he met leo n linda last week and they kinda took his quiteness the wrong way which was kinda annoying at first, but i had to clarify things. we have our fun when we are together, hes just a much more quiet guy. li and tara i want u guys to meet him, cause hes very cityish and i think it was too much to handle for my long island friends haha. we'll see what happens. we've only been together for a month so maybe he'll gradually open up to everyone more once he gets to kno them

but on a lighter note we went out tuesday night to carolines in the city. his friend ray, from high school, is a stand up comedian and got us into carolines for the night to watch his skit. i also got to meet his friend stephanie and her boyfriend. really nice people. and of course we were seated riiiight up front so all the comedians were talkin to us n everything the entire time we were there haha. it was a good night tho.

even tho i had the week off, i wish i had more time to actually hang out with everyone. i saw the girls and branden on monday, but thats about it. school is really killing my social life big time.

12 weeks til graduation. im starting to get a lil more excited about it, but at the same time graduation means that its time for the real world. something im not really ready to face yet. AHHHHHHH

muah to all. im done. hopefully u'll hear from me again before my next vacation xoxo
3 comments|post comment

...juss a quick note... [13 Mar 2003|05:37pm]
just letting you guys know that i*m making this a "friends only" journal. =)

if u have a journal and wanna be on my friends list, juss let me know. otherwise....see ya lata!!!!
9 comments|post comment

[ viewing | most recent entries ]